


DigitalSmiles

by inslupbanana



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Character Death Fix, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-08 01:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21467605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inslupbanana/pseuds/inslupbanana
Summary: Evan Hansen hated communicating with people in any form. His therapist's solution? Sign him up for an online help website for troubled teens to get pen-pals and force him to communicate. But anonymously. Because that made it so much better.(Careful with this because 1) I'm bad at writing and rarely update and 2) Triggery material that I may not have fully tagged)
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 14
Kudos: 42





	1. Smiles to my new friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snarky, angry Connor exchanges his first emails with soft, sad Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've seen any of my other stories then u know I'm essentially useless because I haven't finished a single one even though I've been writing the blasted things for years. So. Sorry in advance I guess.  
I'm actually very motivated for this though because Evan is the first person I've found in any of my fandoms who has canon social anxiety and so I'm v strongly projecting onto this poor boy.  
Also ofc Connor isn't dead or I'd cry.   
-Warning for this chapter: much swearing, mentions of depression and anxiety

From: fthis@digitalsmilesmail.com

To: TreeBoy@digitalsmilesmail.com

Digital Smiles to my new friend TreeBoy,

Seriously what the fuck kind of name is that? This whole fucking website is stupid - let's put an angry teenager that can't go five minutes without smashing something on a stupid, patronising website with a dumb color scheme that looks like its aimed at toddlers and make him write to someone who's equally fucked up. Perhaps it's their version of natural selection? Get the mentally ill to take each other out (I mean like kill each other, I'd rather stab a stranger then date them.)

Anyway now I've got that crap out of the way, hello other idiot who's forced to do this, what got you put in this prison cell?

Yes I know there are 'suggested' bullshit questions we're supposed to ask each other but I'm pretty sure this entire thing is pointless so I don't see how knowing your favorite fucking color would make it any better.

Smiles from,

fthis

**From: TreeBoy@digitalsmilesmail.com**

**To: fthis@digitalsmilesmail.com**

**Digital smiles to my new friend fthis,**

**Er sorry, did you mean my name? Sorry I know it's weird. Sorry. I just like trees?**

**I'm sorry you're stuck with me I guess, I know we're supposed to email each other 3 times a week but yeah you're right it's silly, you can just type whatever and send it to me I guess? Sorry.**

**And er if you actually wanted me to answer that, I guess you're here because of the anger thing you mentioned? If not then sorry for assuming. Yeah I'm just here because I guess I have to be, I'm pretty anxious if you couldn't tell? (Which I'm guessing you could - sorry again!). Somehow my therapist thought this would make me better at talking to people? Which I guess its sort of better than an actual conversation because I can like leave and also backspace but its also so much worse because it gives me even more time to think about how stupid everything I'm saying is. And then I have to wait even longer for a response and thats even longer to overthink every single decision I ever made.**

**Which you don't need to know sorry. Yeah, you can just write 1 letter or something, I don't think they have word counts on these emails. Please tell me what you want me to write back though otherwise I'll worry about it. It's stupid I know but I guess it'd just be faster for both of us if you just wanted me to write a single letter back.**

**Also, my favorite color is blue but I guess it doesn't matter.**

**Sorry.**

**Smiles from,**

**TreeBoy**

From: fthis@digitalsmilesmail.com

To: TreeBoy@digitalsmilesmail.com

Digital Smiles to my friend TreeBoy,

Fuck I'm sorry dude(? guessing from your username), I was just angry at having to do this entire thing it's really not your fault. Kinda forgot there'd be an actual person getting this email if I'm honest.

Seriously don't worry so much (which you get a lot I imagine) I know I'm a dick but if we're stuck doing this stupid email thing we might as well write more than one letter. (Though that might not have been a bad idea if I was stuck with an actual idiot - you don't seem too bad.)

I was talking about the website name as well, not saying TreeBoy is particularly amazing but as long as it's not some weird kinky shit you're fine.

Wow you apologize a lot, I probably won't; I'm a terrible person. Sorry you're so anxious I guess? I'm just an angry depressed emo fuck if we're sharing so... And blue how mainstream of you, mines black (yes its a color) because yeah as previously mentioned, depressed emo fuck. Didn't mean to worry you. Any of the other suggested questions you actually give a shit about?

Smiles from,

fthis

P.S I really wish I could change that dumb sign-off

**From: TreeBoy@digitalsmilesmail.com**

**To: fthis@digitalsmilesmail.com**

**Digital smiles to my friend fthis,**

**Aha yeah my mom always sort of automatically tells me not to worry. Don't think she knows just how redundant that is though. **

**And there's nothing too weird about the tree thing I promise! I just like nature? And I'm getting an internship at the state park this summer - to look at trees of course. Not that you needed to know that sorry. I'm really bad at this because I sort of ramble, even over email apparently, and I can't tell how annoyed you are because I can't see your face so of course I just assume that you're annoyed. Ignore that.**

**Also black isn't a color but your opinion is valid anyway I guess?**

**I don't know?? Don't put the social pressure on me I'll pop. (Weird mental imagery there sorry.) Uh, I know you have to be at least 16 to be emailing me but what year are you going into at school? Or have you already finished or something? I don't know, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, sorry. I'm going to be a senior.**

**I, er, think that's it? Your turn to ask a question please.**

**Smiles from,**

**TreeBoy**

**P.S Yeah I think I know what you mean. I get it's supposed to be the whole positive outlook sort of thing but it just feels more like it's mocking me.**

**P.P.S Sorry for rambling**

From: fthis@digitalsmilesmail.com

To: TreeBoy@digitalsmilesmail.com

Digital Smiles to my friend TreeBoy,

Third email of the week and only in five days! Fuck the system! (Before you worry you can keep emailing me if you want - I'd almost admit that I don't mind it but I'm a manly man (ha) so I could never.) I'm kind of high right now so there's a chance none of this makes sense but who gives a shit.

It's definitely a kink thing isn't it ya weirdo? And it's fine to talk about something that interests you, honestly TreeBoy (Something else I can call you? Because that sounds ridiculous even when I'm not high.)

I'm probably annoyed when I'm reading your emails but it's nothing to do with you so seriously rant about whatever you want, I might even listen. (Joking - I'll be reading it!)

Thank you for validating me, I don't know where I'd be without you. (Sarcasm but I'm not really annoyed - you're fine.)

Yeah I'm going to be a senior next year as well but at this point, I really don't fucking care, I never go, they'll probably hold me back anyway. Just let me enjoy being depressed during summer for now for fuck's sake.

Fuck. I'm more sober now. Boring.

Okay. Here's my question, if you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?

I think I'd pick somewhere wild you know? Just me, maybe some fuckin trees and the open sky - mainly just somewhere with no people, it'd be a lot easier.

That's probably one of the sappiest fucking things I've ever told anybody so you're welcome.

Smiles from,

fthis

P.S Exactly! Patronising smiling crap just makes me want to hit things even more and that's honestly impressive.

P.P.S Ramble all you fucking want honestly.

**From: TreeBoy@digitalsmilesmail.com**

**To: fthis@digitalsmilesmail.com**

**Digital smiles to my friend fthis,**

**Yeah, my therapist was very smug about our number of emails which?? Is he even allowed to be, isn't he just supposed to support my progress? Not smug because he was 'right'?**

**And er should you be high? Obviously it's not my place to say anything sorry but it can't be good for you :(**

**You can call me Mark or something if you really want to? It's technically my first name but no-one else uses it. Sorry for not giving you my actual name. It's just I don't know you? Sorry. And what name do you want me to use for you? Or like even a picture or something? I don't know. Sorry.**

**Sorry, it looks like I actually upset you with the school thing? You don't have to answer if I'm being annoying, I don't know when to stop. **

**I know I'm apologizing even more than normal right now, just having a bad day I guess sorry. Doesn't matter. ignore that.**

**Actually, thank you for telling me when you're joking. I sort of have a friend who jokes - i mean sometimes i think he is- but he can say really mean things and I don't know if he's joking and it can be even harder to read through text so erm thank you. a lot thank you.**

**And probably the same thing you said haha. Maybe the amazon rainforest because their entire ecosystem relies on the tree layers and its so cool, but also there are these really cool bald cypress trees which are over 2000 years old in wetlands in Northern California and that's something I've wanted to see for a while. **

**Thank you I think?**

**My question is whats your favourite thing about your appearance? (Weird I know but I'm supposed to be trying to be more positive and it's nto wokrihin very well so I thought I'd make you be positive with me.) If I had to I think I'd say my eyes? They're brown which is boring but sometimes they look green and i don't know its jsut nice i guess.**

**Smiles from,**

**TreeBoy**

**P.S Sorry about the mistakes, I wrote this while I was panicking a little earlier. Sorry.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I know about this is from everyone elses fanfics so go read literally every other fanfic on here its much better.  
And sorry about not americanising all my spelling, i forget and i swear its physically painful to do so
> 
> If anyone reads this then please leave nice reviews I guess?


	2. Week 2: LOTR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing the conversation into the second week of their summer holidays, the boys begin to learn a little more about each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: References to suicidal idealisation, very low self-image.  
On that note everyone reading this is amazing and I love you all very much :)

_Week 2_

Hey Mark, 

Looks like we can change the formatting now. Guess it's because we got through the first week without killing each other and/or ourselves. Morbid.

Seems like all therapists are dicks then. And no I probably 'shouldn't' be high but I don't see why you care, it's my fucking life.

Mark seems very straight, white, popular boy of you, why not use it normally if it's your actual name? I don't really give a shit what you call me but maybe just Connor if you insist. Yes, that's my actual name but this stupid website is supposed to be country-wide so good luck finding me with it you creep. (Joking)

Just don't mention school. Maybe it did get me angry but as I said I'm always fucking angry so there's no need for you to panic any more than I imagine you usually do. And definitely, don't have a 'bad day over it', I'm not worth it. 

Your sort-of-friend sounds like almost as much of an ass as I am but at least I'm ass enough to admit it. You're too nice Mark, you could do better.

You know when you start talking about trees you apologise a lot less. (Which you should do in general anyway.) Let me guess its not just the trees that appeal to you - its the lack of people?

Maybe my hair? Mostly because it pisses off my dad as it doesn't fit with his sad old traditional views of what a man should be. To be honest I don't think any of me does. Also brown and green? Mark, you like your own fucking eyes because they remind you of trees don't they. Wow.

With sad faces from,

Connor

P.S Stop apologising, you're almost making me feel sympathy and I'm far too repressed to start feeling genuine emotion. ew. 

P.P.S Not actually sad faces, I just got excited because I could change the sign-off. Stop judging. 

**Connor, **

**You're right we can. Much easier to actually be positive when no-ones sickeningly trying to shove it down my throat. Yes, that is morbid, I would ask if you're okay but that's probably dumb, sorry.**

**I don't know, I've communicated with you more in the last week then I have with my dad in the past year, maybe I'm allowed to care. (But not if it bothers you of course.)**

**I mean I am a white boy but I'm pretty sure I'm the opposite of both straight and popular so... (You probably don't care sorry. Feel free to ignore that if you want.)**

**I don't use Mark because then my initials would be MEH and that's weird. My outlook on life is already pretty meh, I don't need my own name to be a constant reminder of that fact.**

**Hi Connor, nice to meet you :) Sorry I didn't mean to mention school, I won't do it again (even though I just did sorry). And I'm always panicking - it's my permanent state of being. I wasn't having a bad day because of you! (Or well _just _because of you, sorry.) You are worth me worrying over and I'll stand by that.**

**Yeah, my 'friend' isn't very nice but I really don't think I could do better, at least I have him.**

**Trees are interesting! They're so _old, _people don't ever stop and think about how many generations of humans, how many wars, trees have stood and lived through only to be cut down on a whim. Imagine the stories they could tell if they could talk! Okay maybe I like them because they don't judge you but that's not the only reason they're cool.**

**I'm guessing your hair is long then? Because it doesn't fit with your dad's old-fashioned ideas of gender roles? That's pretty stupid. (Sorry.) Not your hair of course, I'd like to see that, but y'know your dad's views. Which, I'm sorry for insulting your dad but I'm also kind of not. **

**I knew picking my eyes was a weird thing to do, but it's not because they remind me of trees. (Anyway trees can be so many different colors and shades, that's silly.) I guess it's just one of the few things about me that can be viewed as attractive? Even on my bad days, it's hard to find something wrong with them, and even if I could they're always useful. I think that's actually a stupider reason now I've written it. Sorry.**

**With confused faces from,**

**Mark**

**P.S Sorry! Also, you described yourself as emo - you know the whole point of that is that you're over-emotional right?**

**P.P.S Always judging you :) (Not really, sorry)**

MEH,

Dude MEH is so much better than Mark, sorry (not) but that's all I'm calling you from now on.

Not too dumb a question but considering we're only emailing because of our respective therapists - yeah a little. Today I'm about a 5/10 on my 'I want to fucking kill myself' scale - If I ever you 1 it's probably gonna be the last email. I'm being morbid again, aren't I? Think I'm sliding down the scale as I write.

You can care about me if you want but I'm telling you now it won't end well. Daddy Issues! We match! Your therapist ever try to pin all your problems on that? (Fuck him for leaving you because so far you've been nicer to me in what amounts to about an hour of talking in real life than anyone my age for years.)

Ha same, disaster gay over here also. MEH sounds better though. I don't even have a middle name so my initials are just CM and I can't think of anything interesting with those initials. 

MEH is better...

\- My Excellent Hair (So true)

\- Many Edgy Hats

\- Men Eating Hearts

\- Mice Eclipsing Houses

\- Mountain Ends Here

See- fun!

Sounds rough 🌳 (sympathy tree emoji.) Stop apologising to me! As already mentioned, I'm not worth it.

Maybe you do have him but he still doesn't sound like he deserves you, you're far too sweet.

Talking trees - bet you're a Lord of the Rings nerd, aren't you? Your dreams mostly consist of meeting the ents in Fangorn forest and having Treebeard carry you around or some other shit. Who knows, maybe the nightmares are the ents judging you? (Kidding, you're far too sweet for that remember.)

Yeah, it's pretty long, I wear it up a lot though if I can be bothered. Aw, you'd like to see my hair :), problem is you'd have to deal with the rest of me :(. No please keep insulting him, I do it all the time - it's more therapeutic than actual fucking therapy. 

That's oddly logical? A fair enough reason, even if I'm sure you're more attractive than you think you are.

With smug faces from,

Connor

P.S You did that on purpose didn't you. And stop ruining my image. Fine, I'm punk. Fuck you. 

P.P.S You wish you could judge me ;) 

P.P.P.S Meanwhile I wish we could change the sign-off more. Something other than faces would be nice.

**Connor**

**Nooo, that's not nice :( Please don't say that. Please. Promise me you'll tell me before you get that bad? I know I'm just some equally f***ed up idiot on the internet but this is my 5th email to you and that's got to count for something right? You're not the only one who's not talked to anyone else their own age who's been nice to them before. Maybe that's a selfish reason but I really would miss you. **

**That's it you gave me permission - I already care about you and nothing you can do to me can stop that. So there.**

**Actually, I think I'm more bisexual than gay (which I haven't told anyone before), that was just for dramatic effect. It's kind of a funny story how I figured it out, but you probably don't care so nevermind. Sorry.**

**Um, thank you? Now, whenever I see my initials written down I'll obviously think about 'Men Eating Hearts' instead of how plain and boring I am.**

**CM is so much better? What do you mean??**

**\- Counter Mice!**

**\- Chewy Mints**

**\- Coconut Macaroons **

**\- Chocolate Muffins**

**Actually, I think maybe I'm just hungry. Sorry.**

**Aw tree! 🌲 And you're worth something to me, so if you consider me worthwhile then so are you. Not even sorry.**

**Don't call me sweet I'm actually a terrible person but I'm so anxious I'm incapable of expressing it properly.**

**You're calling me a nerd when you know what ents are, Treebeards name and the name of the forest? (I'm still not sweet.) What LOTR/Hobbit characters do you think we'd be (of course I'm a nerd.) I can't decide if you're Aragorn or Gimli. Aragorn because you pretend you're all dark and mysterious and stride about with majestic hair and Gimli because you're grumpy (joking! sorry!) and mean about my trees. I bet you spend an equal amount of time scowling in dark rooms. (Sorry if that's offensive sorry - but you must admit that you can see it, at least a little bit.)**

**I'll put more insults for your dad in my next email if you insult mine. (Funny ones of course or I'll actually get upset, sorry.) Apparently, if he hadn't been absent during such an important developmental stage I'd be fine but it looks like yours is still there and you aren't. (Sorry I mean I like you but like you said yourself, we're here because of therapy. Yeah. Sorry.)**

**You can't just say I'm attractive and that the 'rest of you' would be a problem if we met. I'm sure I remember you saying you were never nice and here you are calling me attractive (I'm definitely not) when you've never seen me anyway. I'd be a complete mess if we met, I can barely talk, my stutter is ridiculous and I don't even make eye contact. I'd probably just chicken out and run away beforehand if I'm honest. **

**With nothing from,**

**Mark (not MEH)**

**P.S Maybe a little. Really punk? I need evidence to support this :)**

**P.P.S Ignoring that**

**P.P.P.S I broke the system! Just put nothing! Maybe we get more 'privileges' as we fulfil our email quota each week? I don't know. **

MEH,

Fine. I'll tell you how I'm doing as long as you promise to tell me as well. I'd say I'm still about a 5/10 right now.

Wow, you really censored your own swearing, didn't you? You know that's pointless, as long as we both know the intention behind it it's effectively just as rude. 

(I'd miss you too.)

Bi/Gay - all the LGBTQIA+ kids are in therapy nowadays. Thank you for telling me I guess? And you can tell me your story as well if you want to, you don't have to assume I'd be a dick about everything.

See MEH is awesome, you're stuck like that now. Also what the fuck? Why are you so much better at finding words than I am. Though it looks like what you're essentially doing is calling me a snack ;) Hungry for me? (Joking - I imagine your poor sweet self is blushing already.)

You're not sorry? Wow, that's an improvement. (Yes, I am deliberately avoiding the other half of that.)

I'm sure that if you were less anxious you'd just be sweeter - you were genuinely nice to me even after I sent such a horrible opening email so don't downplay that. 

I'm okay at drawing if you want more actual tree pictures? Swap those for interesting tree facts since I bet you're itching for an excuse to ramble.

Fuck you've caught me there. So what, I read a lot and the Lord of the Rings is fucking glorious. I'm too punk to be as nerdy as you though, obviously.

I'd say you remind me of Samwise, cute and loyal but perhaps that's too cliche. Maybe more of a Bilbo - you seem shy and scared but really you're a fucking badass that's gonna save the world. (So was Sam, I know, but just let me have this okay.) 

Aragorn I'll take because he's amazing, my hair is slightly longer and a little curlier though which is obviously the most important thing. And I'm a complete drama queen in comparison, usually he's far too stoic but he does have his moments. I am not Gimli! I'm 6 foot, not a literal dwarf. He's an underrated character in the movies though, I'll give him that. Scowling in dark rooms?? That's only my entire aesthetic how could you tell?

Permission to insult? Fuck yes. 

\- Your dad's like a broken pencil - pointless!

\- Your dad's like wine that's only been aged for a year, cheap, nasty and you should've left him in the basement longer.

\- Your dad's like a dumb baby bird that hopped the nest too soon - he crashed and burned

I'm expecting insults of equal quality in return of course. Yeah, you're not wrong there. Whether there or not, Dad's are apparently always shitty.

I bet you are attractive. Maybe my insistence of that is actually saying more about how you deserve more people to be nice to you considering I'm horrible to everyone else. Tell you what, theoretically if we ever did meet and you ran away because you were anxious rather than the more likely reason being that you actually hated me then I'd chase after you until you calmed down and we could meet properly. So there.

With smiles from,

Connor

P.S You earned those smiles

P.P.S My multiple piercings? Nah I'm not really, I'm sort of an outcast from everything I guess.

P.P.P.S Fucking hell I hope so

P.P.P.P.S Weren't you starting some weird tree internship?

**Connor,**

**I think I'm about 4/10 right now because the pizza place didn't have what I wanted so the app told me to call the helpline and then my anxiety was having a tug-of-war between losing $20 i couldn't afford to lose and having to tell my mom that or actually calling. I hate phonecalls, because I couldnt hear her and she mad me repaeat myself so many tiems and she still couldnt understand me so i hung up, lost all that money, got no food and still had a panic attack. **

**Sorry.**

**Anyway.**

**Censoring my swearing at least makes me feel better about it but usually, I just don't swear at all because obviously I worry too much about what people will think of me if I do. I swear a lot inside my head though. **

**Don't say that, there's probably one well-adjusted queer person out there. (Sorry if you don't like the term, I guess it's just easier to identify myself that way. Sorry.) And okay, the story isn't really that much of a story. For a couple of years I used to have this really strong crush on a girl in the year below me, honestly she is gorgeous, and then one day I saw her walking into school with her brother and there was a moment where my brain just sort of went 'Oh. He's even more attractive.' That's basically it. Now I don't really have a crush on her but it's still awkward whenever I see either of them, even if they don't realise. **

**Please send me tree drawings! That would be amazing! Yes, I started my internship this Monday and though I already know more tree facts I don't know whether you want like specific ones or general ones or what. A small thing I learnt that's pretty cool is that even with the deforestation now in places like Britan there are actually far more trees then there were a thousand or so years ago because we use other building materials now, whereas in those days they used solely wood.**

**Really, Bilbo? Only if you be the Thorin to my Bilbo then, the shield to my Baggins. Seriously, if you want broody and dramatic just watch any scene of him in the movies, his hair is always fluttering in the wind even when they're inside.**

**Those are actually pretty good insults even if they do remind me a lot of stupid things my 'friend' said. Sorry in advance for how weird mine will be.**

**\- Your dad's like a worker bee. seems kinda cool but actually pretty dull**

**\- Your dad's like vegetarian bacon, a pathetic copy (not that I would know what actual bacon tastes like)**

**\- Your dad's like a mole, too blind to see the good thing right in front of him :)**

**That's a deal then. But not for a while at least, this therapy assignment is for the whole summer so can we just not think about actually meeting for a bit because I'm getting nervous again. Sorry. **

**With nervous frowns from,**

**MEH (You happy now)**

**P.S thank you**

**P.P.S Well I'm an equal outcast so we both fit in there. And really, that sounds painful, where?**

**P.P.P.S Maybe I would've continued with the tree facts but I feel like our emails are getting longer and longer**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fudge idek how long this is but i spent 2 days writing a 2500 word essay and im prettysure i put more time and effort into this. please say nice things! I just bought the book but I don't want to read it because i know its sad so oops.  
Ironically I'm writing in blue pen for Connor and black pen for Evan in the book im writing in. It really feels weird having Connor call Evan MArk so i tried to fix it but i think i might have just made it weirder. sorry. I would also be sorry about the amount of lord of the rings in this but im a nerd so im not.


End file.
